| "man can produce artificial happiness"---E--- |
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| 11:24pm 04/01/2005 |
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mood:  morose
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I tried to cry out from the inside, but I guess my soul did not pour itself out enough
Blood on the walls, flaming black, blood on the walls,
I saw you staring through the cracks
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| the story of your goodbyes... |
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| 03:35pm 30/09/2004 |
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mood:  indescribable
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so every even day in english we have to write these stupid little journal entries. and while i dont mind the actually writing part, i do mind being forced to write about something that doesnt challenge us as students mentally and gramatically and mostly instead of writing what my favorite food is or which instument i dislike-i find myself writing a refusal to discuss the topic as it is an inslut to my intelligence. so when free writing comes along i make a point to be as direct with what im feeling and thinking at the time seeing as how i dont get too many chances to do that. and since ive done a lot of thinking lately i figured id let ya'll hear my latest free writing since it expresses my mood ive been in for about the past month or so.
"we are the industry, the birth, and the death."- The Bled
Last night i was realizing how overrated hunamity is. The human race is made to beleive that we are superior to all other races, species, and even the unknown. My question is how can we think we are superior when humanity doesnt face their problems themselves. we all have our separate escape routes we use to "get away" from our meaningless lives; to help us with our problems. These things make us beleive that life is better. It could be drugs, alcohol. smoking a cigarette, violence, spoiling your children, and even turning to god; a being who has not even been proved to exist is beleived by many people to control our very destiny. No one deals with their own problems themselves and eventually the things that helped us before become problems. And then were else is there to go? How can anyone think a world of people can be so strong when they take credit for the things that make them beleive they are superior. When you feel like youve gotten through a hard day...dont be proud of yourself. Thank the drink you had or that cigarette you smoked or the god you prayed to. WE are not as strong and superior as we would like to beleive.
-todays topic was if you lived in a beautiful house with a circle driveway what would you put in the center to greet people as they came to visit you?-
i chose a cemetary to greet people with. that way everyone would start to come into the house a little more somber than when they drove up as most people are when they are reminded of death. That way i would never have to deal with anyone elses happiness when i was pissed. |
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| fuck my face fuck my name |
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| 07:57pm 18/09/2004 |
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mood:  anxious
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false alarm...thank god dougs not in jail-someone must be looking out for him somewhere to give him the nice judge...what a coincidence that the bitchy one got sick...damn things would be so different then. i dont even know that i could have gotten through it. i feel so lucky that ive finally found someone that i feel so comfortable with...someone who knows exactly how i feel-exactly what im thinking...someone that i can finally trust with all my heart after being fucked over so many times before...even those that were partially because of my own faults and bad decisions. being with him makes me want to be the person he sees me as...he makes me feel... on top of the world.
i talked to chelsea today-damn i miss that girl-im so glad i had the oppurtunity to meet someone as amazing and beautiful inside and out as her...love you so much babe-xoxo
BurberryBabe06 (8:16:11 PM): you know you are a sexxy beast stop frontin!
BurberryBabe06 (8:19:53 PM): I was scered and confused... I called 1800 ask gary!
BurberryBabe06 (8:22:32 PM): we were so racist when we were high! |
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| hey unloving,i will love you |
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| 08:35pm 13/09/2004 |
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mood:  drained
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dougs gone. even though i know ill see him again, that was a goodbye to rival that of ncsa.
my knuckles have turned 2 white,theres no turning back tonight
*kiss me one last time* |
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| this never felt so right... |
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| 04:36pm 28/08/2004 |
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as everyone else is returning back to the bubble...ive chosen to stay at home. and while theres a part of me that wishes i could be there to right all the wrongs that were made and all the rumors that were untrue, i know i wouldnt trade what i have here for the world...the only thing that would make it perfect would be to have ms and chelsea here by my side- miss you girls like crazy-love you always |
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| 04:47pm 17/08/2004 |
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addicted to affection?...
and just what am i asking for now...cuz i surely have no idea... |
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| you rock my world baby...haha |
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| 12:01pm 14/08/2004 |
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so yes...in case anyone was wondering my boyfreind is going to jail. BUt thank god its only for 10 days. the rest of the 80 days in his sentence tho if he gets in trouble for ANYTHING, even like-a jaywalking ticket or littering or whatever he automatically goes to jail for a year. and brents dad might be goin in and telling the court that doug actually was driving in the accident on old gun road which would put him in jail for obstruction of justice...sucks ass. And the mom deifnetly doesnt get how amazing this kid is...shes so confused as to the fact that i spend time with him one day and want to see him again the next. yeah i know. its a crazy thought. wanting to see my boyfreind and all. whatever dude. whatever. but i definetly broke cockring/ciara the other night and everyone hated me for it. it was terrible. but i guess the altered version of it still hits pretty hard so its ok.
so i really dont know why youre suddenly back in my life. yeah it was fun chillin with you n zac the other night but im definetly confused. bad timing i guess. for you anyways. im still 99% positive that im glad nothing ever happened. but then theres still that one part of me that wonders. but only wonders-not wants. i dunno its fucked up .
i cant wait till the 31st so i can visit winston! i hope ill be able to. cuz if i dont-that would definetly hurt my soul. and i miss my girl mary scott like woah. o and ms...sorry about the other night i was freaking out! haha and who could forget chelsea? not me of course!
o by the way ladies...i had a dream last night and we were charlies angels/ spiderman running from the green goblin and kicking ass in center stage with chance except center stage was at the beach and it was this hideous bright orange spray painted thing...i know-it was fucking weird. and no i wasnt on any drugs when i had this dream! haha
love you guys miss you like crazy... |
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| too much time to think... |
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| 03:08pm 06/08/2004 |
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mood:  contemplative
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so im in the library right now...no seriously! haha anf ive been given way too much time to think about the situation with doug.
my boyfreind could be going to jail. we'll know for sure on augus 10th...court. god i hope he doesnt leave me. long distance relationships are hard enough but to know that hes that close an that i cnat reach him would truly be hell on earth. total irony. i finally find a guy that cares about me and that im hopelessly head over heels for and its possible that i could be without him for up to a year. god damn pigs...
i think a sobfest would definetly be in order.
so sobriety isnt so bad. im surprised that its alot easier than i expected. except at dougs that one night when i was the only one not smoking. but i got to work ciara for katelyn and erin so at least i got to be a part of the fun...somewhat...
so im definetly feeling a trip to winston coming on. possibly when school starts. doug would be coming too...if hes not in jail. god. i think the worst part about it wouldnt even be not being able to talk to him or not seeing him everyday but when i did get to see him. and having to talk to him through a pane of glass and getting frisked to talk to him. fuckin a. o well- i guess theres not much i can do but worry and hope that he stays. id miss him like crazy. |
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| maybe... |
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| 01:26am 31/07/2004 |
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mood:  grateful
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just got back from a week at the beach with my family...and by family i mean 25 aunts uncles cousins and siblings. plus ryan who isnt quite related to me. it was alright i guess. the best times came after 10 when doug would call and ryan and i would stay up and talk about sex drugs n rock and roll. haha its crazy how obsessed that boy is with kansas and how tolerable he was with my endless chatter. and i apologize to all whom i wish i could have been in contact with the past...forever-you know im dumb and get grounded! as long as its worth it...so sorry chels and ms and erin and katelyn and hunter i hope your show went well but theres no way i woulda been able to get to nc. especially since my keys have been confiscated.dah. so i had a pretty instense talk with the mom at the beach...and ive come to a pretty drastic conclusion.
im quitting all sorts of drugs. pot. prescriptions. blow. everythihng. cigs too. im done. at least for awhile. i know i should be doing it for myself and in a way i am because i know if i ever start up again it will benifit me with the trust issue with the rents and whatnot but honestly i think the real reason is that im tired of my parents being right. i know ive fucked up and i dont regret it. that which doesnt kill you can only make you stronger.damn was that said alot this year!but i havnt not been a fuck up since 7th grade and i think i might try it again. and doug. wow. i dont know what i would do this summer if i hadnt met him. i owe evan big time. dah...sleep is good. |
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| 11:29pm 21/07/2004 |
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mood:  blah
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my boyfriend is amazing. it was so worth it. |
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| cover-up... |
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| 05:44pm 13/07/2004 |
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hmmm first of all i gotta say a big WEll DAMN! to last night.
a big WELL DAMN...humongous in fact. i jus gotta keep this up-the whole not getting caught thing. i know i wont never not get caught again but at least for a while so i can go to see ms in char-town. thats my new motivation for being good. cuz obviously the experimant with a jeep being motivation didnt quite work out-not motivation enough...plus i knew the odds of getting a jeep werent very high anyway. hah. so today i chilled with erin for a bit and damn that girl is the shit! haha im so glad she lives next door that girl is my savior! o yeah and daniel is funny as hell too. i love that he can just casually ask why i looked like a man today and i dont get pissed at all. thats love right there haha.
so im hopin things are gonna go well from here with all of this. and i take it as a good sign that other peopole have noticed it too. dah i just want a boy. |
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| i want you, but im not giving in this time |
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| 02:15am 08/07/2004 |
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ok-odd mood-goodbye to you stuck in my head, just got the phone taken away again for talking to derek at night-i knew i shoulda charged the phone downstairs!haha - thinking about someone else tho...and hoping something good comes out of all of this. and that i get my phone back tomarrow morning. DAH! i cant keep getting in trouble! so i got the car today and damn is it a peice! haha w/e as long as it gets me from a to b its all good...as much as id rather be whippin a wrangler but hey - we cant get everything we ask for. for some reason im finding it easier to make conversation with people i hardly know. which is good cuz it means i get to know them better. and i like making new friends! haha or maybe its just me and my add self going through a phase or what have you. o yeah my dad thinks im a drug addict. which is so not true. at all. fuck off if you think so. sniff this bitches. i wish i could start so many things over. like alot of things. countless events that would be life altering. but then im sure i wouldnt be the same at all now if i hadnt been affected in the ways that i was affected by the things that have gotten me in trouble or the things i regret or the things that i took advantage of. or the people that i love/ loved. thats a big one. because those are the people who have impacted my life more than anything. the people whom i looked up to and wanted to be with or actually be. i guess i turned out ok. not too shabby or at least in my opinion. i miss mary scott. and chelsea too. madly. dah! im so excited for warped tour n chartown this summer. and the best part is being able to chill with ms and go see placebo. hopefully be able to see hunter too! yah! good luck to him n his band at their show on friday. if your gonna be in eden , NC- you should check them out. fucking feirce man. i think im at a good point here. im coming back to reality after adjusting to life outside od the ncsa bubble. and strangley enough i cant wait to get back in it. o yeah-mary scott...since when did matt crosset jump back on the earth? haha |
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| stunned by your gun...haha thanks chelsea |
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| 05:20pm 05/07/2004 |
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mood: mentally awake
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busted...SOOOOO busted!wa bam! cells been confiscated and what have you so call the house or call someone who knows my house #...damn that sucks a big weiner. 2 days b4 im supposed to get my car too. DAH! damn i just need to get my shit togther asap...and figure out whats goin on so i know whats worth it and whats not. |
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| WHERES YOUR HEAD AT!.... |
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| 11:11pm 21/06/2004 |
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mood: lonely
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chillni at the house...the usual just hangin out and whatnot-this dounds weird but im actually waiting for school to start back up again. maybe ill think diferently when i get my liscnse which by the way is in 9 days...hells yeah! o yeah-thats right-i know something that would definetly make me appreciate summer...o god what was that thing called its been awhile...O YEAH! A BOYFRIEND! haha not even a boyfriend i dont just care about that but a reachable goal. someone to sit and talk to endlessly and know theyll be there whenever you need a hug or a walk at 12 45 at night for a cig and a possible kiss on the cheek. like so many people have said before and i know its too much to ask and i am being totally selfish in asking but...i just want to be loved. |
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| awake |
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| 01:40am 12/06/2004 |
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mood: contemplative
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i just danced in the rain. at 1 40 in the morning i danced in the rain. i feel pure and clean. even though i probably stepped in lots of mud and bugs and stuff i feel like i conquered something. as i sit downstairs at my house wide awake it feels like the rest of the world is asleep and im in control...even tho i can see the kitchen light on at our neighbors house. i wonder what theyre doing. i wonder if htey wonder what we're doing. or if they only assume and dont take the time out to really know who people are. maybe thats why i dont know theyre names and refer to them as the neighbors with the car alarm that goes off at night. But maybe theyre not the close minded ones. maybe its me . i hope not. i try not to be and at the same tiem i know im benig hypocritical in saying that because i am close minded about somethigns. i hate hypocrites. i hate that i am one and that i keep tryingto avoid being one and theres no way around it. i can be true to myself all i want whatever but there will always be another hypocrite out there acusing me of the same thing. is it even worth the fight? is any of it worth the fight? if everything is pre-determined and we are all ruled by some puppetmaster who has all of our fates written in stone then is there any point at all in trying to be something special or something worhtwhile of people remembering or trying at all at anything...winning over the love of your life, pleasing your parents, abiding by the rules, finding ways around them, chasing a dream or just chasing life itself away. maybe love was too strong a word. maybe im in denial. maybe im just having withdrawals or maybe im just going crazy with missing you so much. theres not much i can do about it but i cant decide whether or not to fight it and end up with heartbreak and failure or to just let things be and let things go. the only thing with that is ill never know what im missing-even if it is the heartbreak and the sorrows. isnt it supposed to be worth it all in the end?
but what if its not...
maybe love WAS to strong of a word |
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| am i alone again? |
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| 12:10am 10/06/2004 |
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mood: numb
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today was the first time in a while...since the allnighter the last day at ncsa. thinking that its been too long is what freaks me out a little. craving it everyday and trying to find a way to get more scares me. being late to do it. loving the feeling i get when i can feel the difference...from the second it hits my brain. the split second directly after-totally calm-controlled-in power.
hardcore.
moremoremoremoremore.
addiction.
i dont beleive in addiction. as much as i thought i was, i am not addicted to cigarettes. yeah yeah whatevr you say. im not. i dont crave them anymore, i dont feel the need to sneak around as much. but now theres something else. maybe i just need somehting to focus my energy on. a smoke. a drug. a boy. an art. an adventure. i want to go on an adventure. im in the process of creating one as we speak. it will be done. o yes. it will be done. SHA-WING!
i can only wish somehting for so long untill the reality of it doesnt exist anymore and all thats left is the wish itself. its happening already. a lost cause. a shadow. a memory that i keep struggling to hold on to when theres nothing left. its been way past time to let go. and im still holding on. but am i alone again? it feels like it a little. and for some reason i keep on wishing the same wish...
****** |
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| bye bye beautiful... |
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| 11:07pm 08/06/2004 |
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mood:  hopeful
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so my mood today is hopeful. ive never had that mood in my journal before so im kinda looking forward to seeing what little happy face or whatever it turns out to look like. i wish my rents would go to sleep now so i could think a little clearer without the tv in the backround. lakers are winning by the way. drivers ed is interesting...whatever...if ill be driving by july ill watch all the videos you want me to!
tonight i went to rockwood and watch those boys in blue tear up the feild...god i love baseball season...and those tight pants! haha IT DOESNT MOVE!- katelyn and i need to get up there and live up to last years traditions of drooling over those mud covered-pinstriped butts. I SAID SLIDE BITCH! SLIDE!GET DIRTY! haha
so anyways im really caught up on this hopefull thing. im not usually the one to be optimistic but lately i havnt been so down. which is why i havnt been writing as much-this thing kinda depresses me in a way-slathering my walls with drawings is a much more subliminal way of my thought process. i kinda like it better. so sorry chels! haha everyone look at hers tho its bad ass. i miss my girls. im so pissed that the four of us didnt get together for one last "horah" or whatever before we left. something really gerat. i just felt like i never got to be the person that i wanted to be. or i was but i never had the chance to prove to everyone what i wasnt.
before i stop reminiscing because it makes me mad at myself cuz i promised only to look back in happiness, i just wanted to say rest in peace Jin Ho. you touched me in so many ways...through your music, through our talks, through all those countless nights on fourth and those times we went to the stor and the house together...those are times ill always remember. the times of your greatness and happiness. ill always look back and remember you at those times and i wish i could have been there for you more in your time of need. ill love you always and miss you endlessly. |
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| you said you hate my suffering |
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| 07:41pm 03/06/2004 |
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well well well...away from school back in the "big city" of richmond. so many things are different with unexpected twists and turns around every corner. I have but one regret for the past year at ncsa, which has only been voiced to 2 people. one was the best friend and the best roomate a girl could ever dream of. and the other could very well be the one that got away. i sure hope not. i keep thinking about our last day together...good thing i have most of it on video haha...the parts that i dont have documented, ill never forget. a true pure moment. clean-pure-true. love. who would have thought. me. megan in love. its been a week since that last day. pulling an all nighter with msc-sitting on top of the world in the morning exchanging anything that came across our minds. knowing it was the last time i would walk that hall as a student ever again. buying cigs from connie for the last time. all in pennies. and saying goodbye to you. i wish i could have had more than jsut a minute to do that. not much i can do about it now tho. except wish you the best of luck in college next year and hope to god that thursday may 27th 2004 wasnt the last time our paths will cross. eww. theres a guy on the tv wearing a red thong. and its not cute. so now that theres no way threats about my journal can be "lethal" or whatnot...read if you want if you dont-no ones forcing you to listen to me.lifes a garden.dig it. o god where did that come from?!? to ms. mary scott chancey-work that shit girl all up over in budapest! haha i love you babycakes |
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| wasting away with waiting for you... |
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| 03:44am 12/05/2004 |
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why do i put myself through this? did yesterday make things with you any better or any worse? did it change at all? why didnt i just say something to you? i couldnt...i didint know how. i tell myself i want to be more aggressive and assertive when i want somethign and i can never seem to go through with what i want...no matter how many people tell me that i should go after what i want...even when you say it i can never seem to get the words out of my mouth. i like you . alot. i really care about you. i wish that i knew how to read you becasue i keep getting mixed signals. i want to get inside your head whenever i see you looking at me or whenever i call or whenever you call or whenever were together or whenever i say somehting dumb or yestreday when said no and then when you stopped and then when we walked back and when we said goodbye and when you see jenna and mary scott and chelsea too and when baby-girl comes running up to you and i see her all over you. i want to know what you thought the first time we met the first time you saw me the first time we had sex if anythign i did drove you to have sex with jenna if you wanted to have sex with her if you were just too drunk to know who it was or even care who it was. i want to know what you want from me and if you even want me in you life at all. what you want... no matter if you just want me to walk past you as if i dontknow who you are or if you want me to run around and tell everyone that were in love...whatever you want just tell me-at this point...my sanity couldnt get much worse...so its whatever you want. as of right now i just want you to be happy even if it means me never seeing some one i could very well be in love with ever again. damn i really didnt want to use the l-word.
i wish for the days when i truly was a sophmore slut again...just so this pain would go away and i could throw my conciense out the window.
i think i really may be in love with you...or at least in love with the idea that there could be something more. megan stop typing.
now.
cuz i said so .
i love you.
i think . |
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| 06:52pm 09/05/2004 |
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now that this journal has become a joke...ive decied to make it only for myself-to vent in-i hate how im so hung up on this...this petty shit i know i should be worried about so much moe-what im doing for the summer next year my life school how fucked up my friendships are. but no. im thinking about you. a boy. a boy who doesnt even know how much hes playing with my emotions. a boy who is so much more to me than he should be. this wasnt ever supposed to happen. and now its going to be the hardest to say goodbye to you. out of everyone. cuz i know ill see my girls again. i know that for sure. im just dont know about you. im not so sure. maybe if i come down for a weekend to visit...but all we would do is touch on the surface-like always. its not that i want you for the sexual part of the relationship...its that i want what i know is potentially there for a real true relationship. i know your capable...why cant you just prov eit with me. why not give it a chance. keep me happy for the next few weeks of this school year. please. it would mean more to me than you know. but maybe it would just make it worse. im willing to take that risk . thats how much you mean to me. and i hate getting hurt. hell ive already gotten fractured for you...why not break my heart as well? |
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